The Research Bunker Blog will be quiet for a few days as we celebrate the 4th of July this weekend. The occasion of Independence Day got us thinking about what a major undertaking the American Revolution was, and here in the Research Bunker, we believe that no major undertaking should be started without some preliminary research. We weren’t around back when the Founding Fathers declared independence and started a new nation, but if we had been, we would have advised them to budget for some market research before committing to such a huge course of action. Such as the following survey . . .
As part of this nation’s ongoing campaign of agitation against the Mother Country, the Continental Congress has authorized the following survey to determine if independence is a viable option. Please take a few minutes to sit down with your quill and answer these questions. The results are confidential and will be reported in the aggregate. No one will be tarred and feathered based on their responses. Remember, your opinion matters!
Q1. On a scale of 1 to 5, how would you rate King George’s performance as monarch over these 13 colonies?
Death to tyrants! God save the King!
1 2 3 4 5
Q2. Which statement best matches your own personal opinion?
A. “Give me liberty or give me death!”
B. “Give me liberty, but let’s not get crazy about this.”
C. “I’m moving to Canada.”
Q3. Which course of action would you most like to see the Continental Congress take in 1776?
A. Declare independence
B. Request independence nicely
C. Dump some more tea and see if the British take the hint
D. Let Rhode Island declare independence, see if anyone notices, then go from there
Q4. If independence is declared, what should be the battle cry of our revolution?
A. “No taxation without representation!”
B. “Stamp this!”
C. “We’re not gonna pay a lot for this muffler!”
Q5. Which man known for wearing powdered wigs, ruffled shirts, breeches, and buckled shoes should be known henceforth as “The Father of Our Country?”
A. George Washington
B. John Adams
C. Benedict Arnold
D. Elton John
Q6. What is your occupation?
A. Gentleman farmer
B. Town crier
E. Indentured servant
G. Witch (will not be reported in aggregate)
H. Other (Please specify)_________________
Q7. What is your gender?
(If you answered “Male” in Q7, please report to your local militia recruiter along with your musket for further instructions.)
Thank you for participating in the Independence Survey.
Results will be announced on July 4th1776.